The Problem Pregnancy
by blue2dolphin2
Summary: Lily Luna Potter is the failure cousin, plain and simple. At 26, she still washes dishes at the Leaky Cauldron and lives with five other girls (fellow-dishwasher, failing entrepreneur and three strippers). Scorpius Malfoy has dated most of her female cousins, before picking and marrying Rose. They have two kids and a happy marriage. So why is Lily pregnant with his baby?
1. Chapter 1

"I still think this is a bad idea, Pent." Scarlet chided over breakfast, from where she was jotting things down onto an old bit of parchment. I sighed and leant over to check what crazy venture she's onto now.

"No, no, it's great!" Penta argued. "Lily gets to make money- AND she gets to rock that body up!" She pumped a fist in the air and went back to her cereal.

"I still don't like the idea." Leanna put in. "Anyway for us to make money and leave, huh? Just make sure we don't miss you at the Cauldron, K? We'd hate that. Trace would miss you, and so would Cameron." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"What are we all bitching about?" Macie put in from where she was slouched across the couch, drinking coffee and watching bad reality TV.

"Lily's conversion to one of us." Penta replied.

"Lil's joining the Marinas?" Macie questioned, shooting up into a sitting position. This news wakes her right up. "No fuckin' way! So glad, by the way."

"Only nights and only down to my underwear, OK. I need some money." I shrugged. "Not that big a deal."

"It's still a terrible idea." Scarlet insisted, sketching merrily around the parchment.

"Like… necklaces and bracelets made of imported plastics from the remotest parts of northern Ireland?" I craned over to see more of what she was doing. "Is that factory even legal? Weren't they in the news for…"

"It's fine!" Scarlet defended, gathering her plans in her arms.

Macie cackled. "Do you think this one is gon' succeed?"

"She has a point." Kimi said as she entered. Kimi was a morning person; she had been up for ages- taking a shower, putting on her thick makeup and putting on her best work outfit (a neon pink crop top and skirt with a silver jacket).

Scarlet's mouth dropped open. "You guys doubt me and that _hurts._ This is my best idea yet."

"Better than the guitars? And the illicit potion ingredients? And your line of dress robes made from the fabric those guys supplied you with?" Leanna retorted.

"Shut up." Scarlet eyeballed her and went back to her plans.

"Didn't Lil sleep with one of them?" Macie wondered absently.

"Fuck no. That was Penta! You could've got a disease, BTW!" I yelled in defence. I didn't sleep with those shady assholes! Who knows where they'd been? Penta though… I avoided the laundry room for months afterwards. My girlfriends are absolutely mad, but I couldn't live without them.

"He was hot." Penta defended. "Sex snob."

"Didn't you actually get a disease off it?" Kimi questioned.

"No. It was that girl in my year from Slytherin, Reina, when she slept with that drug dealer who tunnelled under in our seventh year and sold a ton of Magical Highs to all the students." Penta corrected.

"Eh, he was hot." Macie agreed.

"Kimi and I were in sixth." Scarlet commented. "I remember. Papers were crying."

Kimi wrinkled her nose. "I think I bought one. Yeah, yeah, I bought one for a dare. Stupid Lila Haines… Felt really weird for a while, but I'm fine. Had Scar to take care of me."

"Least you didn't sleep with him!" I sing-songed.

"Ah, Hogwarts." Penta reminisced. "Though the time for memories is not now. Get your ass ready, Lils. You two as well." She pointed to Kimi, who was shovelling sugary Muggle cereal into her mouth, and Macie, who was still flaked out across the sofa. "Carson says it'll be a busy day and we have a good chance to make it rain!" She, Kimi, and Macie cheered, while Scarlet shook her head and tutted.

"It'll be a busy day at the Cauldron too, you flaky little abandoner." Leanna mocked. I jokingly gave her the finger and went off to Scarlet's, Leanna's and my room to get dressed, to the sounds of mockingly good natured banter. We're an odd match- three strippers, two dishwashers and one failing entrepreneur. But no matter what jobs we have, we'll always be the best of friends.

* * *

Carson Thackeray's eyes trailed over my body as I stood in my skimpy dancing outfit in the Muggle club, the Blue Delphi, feeling a little like a piece of meat. Penta was excitedly whispering in her boss's ears, (hopefully) promoting me.

"You know, I like this, Bletchley." He nodded appreciatively. "You, Miss Potter, let's go through this. You'll be working nights, but you're not willing to strip. You'll dance though. That's "

"Correct." I answered.

"So. You are very attractive. You could do well here. And we are in need of some spare dancers for when it gets busy… welcome to the Blue Delphi! You can start tonight."

"I'm sorry, I have a family dinner." I replied. This was true; my family still loved to meet up with each other, and despite not really fitting in, I wouldn't miss one for the world. That and my mother would track me down and kill me if I did.

"Fine, fine, whatever. You start tomorrow. Be here tomorrow."

* * *

"So, Lily, what did you do all day?" my mum asked politely.

"Still washing dishes?" Rose fired.

"Aunt Hannah didn't see you today. She told me." Lucy butted in. "Where were you?"

"I took the day off. I was really tired." I lied. My family already dislike the fact that I work as a dishwasher- a stripper would be worse.

"Still hanging out with those friends of yours?" James frowned, his arm around Annoying Asha Wyndham, his dumb ten-years-too-young girlfriend.

"Still hanging out with your ridiculous girlfriend?" I snapped back, storming over to talk to Hugo. I distinctly heard Annoying Asha's shocked gasp. However, that was a bust, as he and his wife Summer were engrossed in their daughter Amethyst.

"Hey Hugo." I said uncertainly.

"Hi." he muttered distractedly, not looking up from his daughter and wife. "How have you been."

"I'm fine." I answered dully. "I've been fine."

"Great." he replied.

I left soon after and went with my parents to go greet Albus and Marilla, with their ten year-old son Harry the Second and three year-old daughter Kinna, after Marilla's mother. "Hey Albus." I greeted half-heartedly, giving him the expected hug. "How are things?"

Without a word, he dragged me to the kitchen and whispered in my ear. "I think Marilla might be cheating on me."

I gasped; I was truly shocked. "Al, that's awful!" I gripped his shoulder and tried to be comforting.

"Well, what do you expect?" He didn't seem angry, only just bitter and sad. "When Harry came along- what else could we do but stay?"

"I always knew she was an asshole." I mumbled noncommittally. It's true as well- no-one's ever really liked her. "What're you gonna do?"

"I dunno." Albus muttered. "Let-let me think." He walked off at Marilla's yell for him.

"Lily!" Victoire cheered, running in from the garden and wrapping me in a tight hug. That girl does not understand the process of breathing. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks, Victoire."

"Got a boyfriend yet?" she teased.

"Nah. I'm too busy." I rolled my eyes.

"If you had a guy you could move outta that flat of yours." James put in. "Didn't one of them get a disease off a drug dealer or something?"

"Fuck off, James." I snapped. "That was Reina from Slytherin."

"Lily Luna Potter, do not talk to your brother like that. He has a point." my dad said angrily. "You know, in all my life I never thought my little girl would end up in this position in life. Twenty-six years old with a cramped flatshare and a job washing dishes."

"I'm also a-" I stopped trying to defend myself.

"What did you say?" he asked.

"Nothing." I quickly scarpered and went to stand by a late and flustered Roxanne. "Roxy!" I greeted. "How are you?"

"Great." she answered. "I got that promotion last week."

"You're really making your imprint on the law department, aren't ya?" I replied, biting back any resentment.

"Taking after me." Aunt Hermione complimented, approaching and wrapping Roxanne in a hug. "I'm so proud of you! How are you, Lily?" Without waiting for a response, she breezed on. "Good, good, right? That's great. Now, Roxy. You say you're in a senior position now. I should give you some advice. Come on, come on, a strong woman must focus on your career." She placed an arm around my cousin and lead her away.

I looked around. Dominique was talking to Louis, his wife Claire, Aunt Fleur and Uncle Bill, Roxanne and Hermione were talking law, Ron, Uncle George, Aunt Angelina, Fred and his (pregnant) wife Lana were discussing god knows what, James was all lovey-dovey with Asha the Annoying, Albus, Scorpius and Rose were focusing on Scorpius and Rose's two children, Everett and Tori. Grandad Weasley was talking to my dad and mum, while Victoire and Teddy entertained their God-knows-how-many kids. Molly, Lucy, Lorcan and Lysander (yes, the twins married the twins in the mother-of-all cliche double wedding) were talking and taking care of the three small kids the four had between them. Marilla was helping Grandma Weasley in the kitchen like the fake little bitch she is, and Albus was playing with Kinna, albeit rather half-heartedly.

So where did this leave me?


	2. Chapter 2

Scarlet was incoherently babbling about her success, while Kimi, Macie and Penta did shots. Leanna was the barmaid at the Cauldron tonight, and no way was she cutting them off. I had seen her slugging quite a bit behind the bar between serving. Me, I was kind of shitfaced too. We were celebration Scarlet's better-than-expected sales on her new illegal jewellery line, drinking the cheapest Firewhiskey available. While my cousins had their perfect orderly lives in order and were probably asleep already.

I took another shot.

—

"WAKE UP! YOU'RE LATE!" Leanna threw something soggy at my head.

"Ahh! What the fuck? Did you just throw cereal at my head?" I screamed, sending her tripping over Scarlet's bed and crashing into the door.

Leanna winced and ran a hand over her head. "Sorry! I meant to use the water." She smiled weakly and shook her glass of water.

I scowled and threw the glob of cereal back at her. She dodged and it hit the wall, leaving a slimy trail as it slid onto the floor. "Clean that up." I moaned, holding my head. "I'm hungover. And I think you drove last night, and we didn't die, so I know you're not that badly dead. Clean it up!"

"You do it."

"You threw it."

"I wouldn't have had to throw it if you just got up. Now clean it up. I need to go get the others." Leanna walked out.

"Morning person!" I yelled after her.

"Is that supposed to be an insult?" she shouted back.

Twenty minutes later, I was showered and fairly presentable for a day dishwashing at the Leaky Cauldron.

"So, Lily." Penta tapped her fingers on her 'Queen of Fucking Everything' mug. "You disappeared with a guy last night."

I groaned loudly. "What? Who was he?"

"I 'unno. You went in the loos for like an hour and then you re-emerged single with your lipstick everywhere." Macie mumbled as she held up two short strapless dresses.

"Shit." I muttered.

"Don't worry, he was fairly respectable. He looked a bit married though." Penta put in.

I groaned again. "How'd ya know that?"

"Mmm… wedding ring?" she offered. I leant my head on the table and moaned in anger at myself.

"Was kind of cute." Macie commented off-handedly. "Early thirties by the looks of it. Now, stripes or flowers?" She waved the dresses around again.

"Macie, Carson will never let you wear any of that." Penta lectured, sipping from her awesome mug. "He thinks you're the best-looking dancer. More skin."

"Zach is picking me up, so I need to change there." Macie explained. "I'm not seeing him in a bikini top and miniskirt. Just 'cause I'm a stripper does not mean I'm a slut. Now, which one?"

"Why?" I snickered. "Zach won't care what you wear. He'll have you out of it in a second no matter what.."

"Yeah, you're just friends with benefits." Leanna put in. "You are going to his flat to have sex. You understand that, right?"

"I know, I just want to look nice!" Macie argued back, twisting her hands about worriedly. "Zach's a great guy, really fun and cute and-"

"Oh, somebody has a crush on her 'friend'." Scarlet teased, looking up from her spreadsheet.

"No." Macie returned quickly. "Hey, where's Kimi?"

Leanna groaned. "Fuck, I know I forgot something." She dragged herself off her chair and sloped off to get Kimi up.

"Back to you." Penta smirked as she indicated Macie. "What is up with you and Zach Ocean?"

"Nothing. I just sleep with him." Macie retorted.

"Whatever you say, Mrs Ocean." I replied.

—

I stepped out of the club, smirking to myself over the numerous coins that had been thrown at me. It's paid more in a month than the Cauldron pays me in two months. Muggle money, but the Gringotts bureau de change was there for a reason. Penta had taken the day off for a family emergency ("my asshole stepfather left and I have to stop my mother from drinking herself into a booze coma!"), Kimi had gone out the back to Apparate there and Macie had gone off with Zach Ocean for the umpteenth time that month.

All I was planning to do was walk to an alley to Apparate to Gringotts, change my money, go home and sleep- then I saw Rose.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK MY LIFE! OH MY GOD I'M DEAD!

I quickly tried to run away, but I was still in my stilettos. Rose, in her sensible flats, quickly caught up with me.

"Lily!" she demanded. "What do you think you're doing? I come to get a coffee and I find you outside here- what even the- come with me!" She grabbed my arm, dragged me to the alley and Apparated me to her generic little picket-fence house. I was unceremoniously thrown onto the sofa, magically bound to it and told to wait while she rounded up the family members for an intervention. As she left, Scorpius Malfoy appeared downstairs.

It doesn't get much lower when you're bound to a sofa, in a tiny black dress which is really more cutout than dress, your hair rumpled, your makeup smeared everywhere (thanks stagelights!) and your cousin's husband comes downstairs and sees you.

"Hey." he said. "What're you doing here?"

"Rose saw me coming from my… job…" I muttered.

"What job? Is there such a big problem with dishwashing that she had to bind you to our sofa?"

I almost laughed at how oblivious he was. Does he live in a bubble and is this dress and heels and makeup dishwashing-wear?

"No. I'm- I'm- a stripper." I said reluctantly. "Just on the side. How else shall I move out of my flatshare? It's what everyone wants me to do."

"Well, what do you want to do?" he asked thoughtfully.

That was a surprise. I can't remember the last time anyone asked me that. But I went for snark: "Scorpius Malfoy, don't go all deep on me. Now can you release me? My wand's in that bag." I pointed to my black floral bag, with the colourful straps. It fitted in with the crazy colours and objects of the flat, but against the white walls and dark wood, it looked gaudy.

He laughed. "Sure." He picked up his wand and unbound me, but I didn't run for my life before the family got there. Instead I rested my face on my hand, and my elbow on my leg, and sat and thought.

"Am I a failure?"

Where in the hell did that come from? This is the man who broke Lucy's heart, and Roxanne's heart, and even his own wife's heart nearly ten years back. Why did I ask him, of all people, this?

"Well, I don't know." he answered. "Are you happy with your life?"

"Er… I dunno. I'm good."

"Do you enjoy your job?" he questioned.

"Yeah… the stripping isn't great. It's just for a bit of extra money." I admitted. "But I enjoy the Cauldron, and that's where I spend most of my time. It's like…we're all friends back there, and we laugh and talk and have fun. And wash dishes." I laughed nervously, not wanting him to think I was a slacker at work. "It's… yeah, it's fun. Way fun. I like it."

"Well. That's good. What about your flatshare and your friends?"

Now I smiled. "They're great. It's crazy and messy and we always argue but we love each other really. I relate to them, y'know. There's Penta, Kimi and Macie who work with me at the club, and Leanna who does the Cauldron with me, and Scarlet who _always has these crazy business plans,_ and it's so batshit that I-" I stopped myself before I said anything else.

"So. It sounds like you're happy. What you're telling me, why don't you tell this to your family? Roxanne, Lucy, James, Albus, your dad, your mum, your aunts and uncles."

I forced out a bitter laugh. "They wouldn't understand. Them, with their amazing Ministry jobs and amazing husbands slash wives and amazing children! Heck, why do you understand? You're a Healer and you heal people and you have the perfect family, and-"

"Hey, hey, calm down." He put a hand on my shoulder. "Yeah, I have a pretty good life. So do you!"

"Well, how?" I demanded. I'd pretty much disregarded who I was talking to. He seemed to be the only one who I could talk to, who I could rant to.

"I enjoy my job. So do you. I have great relationships, with my wife and friends and children. The way you say it, you have some of the best friends a person could have. You don't need a spouse and kids to have a fulfilled life. You are amazing, just in a different way, I guess."

By this point he was sitting right next to me, and my sleepy head was drifting towards his shoulder. "Really?" I asked sceptically. "Am I amazing?"

All that happened was that he kissed me. I was too tired to realise what I was doing, and responded accordingly, grabbing his face with both hands as we deepened the-

"Shit." he muttered, running a hand through ice-blond hair. "That- that was stupid. I'm sorry. I'm married- to your cousin, and- I was just, y'know, uhhhh… trying to make you feel better. You're not a failure, you're not a failure, just remember that, um, you can go. If you want, I'm not kicking you out or anything."

I gave a tight little smile. "Yeah. I'm gonna Apparate home." Grabbing my bag and wand, I waved my wand just as I heard Rose arriving back with presumably my relatives.

The wand was knocked out of my hand.

"Scorpius, why didn't you stop her from leaving?" Rose questioned. "Hopeless." She laughed, lightly brushing his arm. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the loving look the couple shared. Guilt knotted my stomach; I was pissed off at Rose but didn't want to steal her husband. They had young kids, for God's sakes! I wasn't ruining that!

"Lily." My father's voice snapped me to attention. "Lily, is this true? You've started working in a Muggle strip club?"

"I need extra money!" I defended. "Well, I don't need it, it was Penta's idea, but it's nice to have it, and-"

"Young lady. I can't tell you what to do now, but I strongly suggest you move out of your flat, quit that job, get a real one and sort your life out. Stripping? That is the ultimate low." he demanded. I got the message. I didn't have a choice in this, that was what was going down.

See, Scorpius? See?

I wanted him to defend me, but that wouldn't happen. He was standing there locked in a sideways embrace with Rose. No way would he say I was amazing in front of all of this.

"Mum? James? Albus?" I bleated pathetically.

"Harry, calm down." Mum was the first to speak. "She can live with whoever she wants." My heart leapt for a second. "But, Lily, stripping is going too far. Quit."

"Yeah, I don't need my little sister being some little stripper slut." James backed up.

"Leave me alone!" I snapped. "It's my life."

"We know!" Mum soothed. "We're just trying to help you!"

"Well, stop!" I shouted.

"It's only because we care." she whispered.

"Well then don't care!" I yelled back.

With a wave of my wand I landed in our flat, shocking the life out of Scarlet, who cursed as coffee was absorbed into her pyjamas. She immediately put her papers on the side, picked up last month's Witch Weekly and started whacking me with it.

"YOU COULD HAVE RUINED MY PLANS!"

"THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN SHIT ANYWAY!"

"Yep, welcome home." I muttered, just as Kimi opened the door and dragged someone, using her face, into the laundry room.


End file.
